Do you ever feel like there’s something wrong with you? Like you’re the common denominator in all that has gone or is going wrong in your life? Like you’re the problem but you have no clue how to fix it? That’s how I feel sometimes. I feel it today. As I’m writing this. Like what did I do wrong, this time? Why do I feel not good enough? I know I’m broken. Been in the process of fixing myself for years and I’m still working on it. Haven’t given up yet. Still taking steps but some days it feels like I’m running in place. Or in circles. Like I haven’t got the nerve or courage to step out of vicious cycles. They’ve become normal and so I am comfortable there. I’ve learned how to cope with the tragedies that come with them. It’s a familiar pain and even though I know it hurts, I know how to recover. It’s everything outside the cycle that scares me most. The love I’ve never allowed myself to receive because I’m so afraid of losing it. That magic I dream about. The feeling that this is forever. That knowing we won’t ever quit on each other. That thing that I don’t even know exists. And how silly of me is it to ever expect this love from the people I’ve let in. They have all only ever been reflections of how I truly view myself. And far too often I see me through the eyes of someone else. Someone I love and respect. Someone who was supposed to always protect me, but has hurt me worse than anyone. And they told me, that no one would ever love me more than they do. So its difficult to decipher worth, when the first man you ever looked up to is the same one that says you deserve to be abused and mistreated. And so here I am. Writing this. Feeling like there’s something wrong with me, again. Trying to convince myself that there isn’t. Telling myself I a have value even if they don’t see it. Even if I don’t always see it. And I still don’t know self love in its entirety. I’ve been searching more and more lately. Spending more time alone hoping this is what I’ll need to get there. Some days it works. Others, like today, not so much. But I’m still here, trying. Searching. Not giving up. Knowing that once I get there (because I will get there) I will finally be in a place where I’ll be able to receive & appreciate everything I do deserve.
I didn’t plan on writing this. I’ve been in my head all day and honestly wanted someone to talk this out with. But maybe this way is better. Maybe someone else feels like this sometimes. Now we both know we aren’t alone.